I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
