i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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