looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
