I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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