Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
