the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
