my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
where are my eyebrows?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
