My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
