That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
