im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
