We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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