I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I skipped work to stalk him.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So vagazzling was a success
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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