i permit you to call me
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
