I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
