nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
