I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
