there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
