They should really pass out barf bags in church
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
