we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
