Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
