I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
