The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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