I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I still have a little drunk in my system
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
