I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
