in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
