i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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