you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
