Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
