there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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