I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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