my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
