Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
