Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
