the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
