I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
