I feel great
I just peed on a car
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
