So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
