My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
