if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize