I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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