If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
