I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
