i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
