Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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