She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
