my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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