She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
