Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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