I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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