I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
