at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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