he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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