just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
