So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
