There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
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My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
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we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.