hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
